Sorry, not sorry

Back in September, I lost a pregnancy. It was an unexpected pregnancy and due to its nature was quite high risk, but the loss still shook me to my core. After the miscarriage, I went back on oral contraceptives. The artificial hormones mixed with the existing grief and I found myself falling quite quickly into a depressive state. 

I have an amazing husband and a few truly exceptional friends who have helped me through this and in the past month or so, I’ve started to finally feel more like myself. 

That being said, my self-care has had to be a very high priority for me and part of that self-care is not allowing negative people in my life whenever I can help it. If someone’s presence in my life brings more pain than joy, I find myself seriously considering if the relationship is something that I need right now, and frankly the answer might just be “no”.

So I’ve stopped spending time with some people and I’m quick with the “unfollow” and “unfriend” buttons, but that has been upsetting to some people. I can understand that. I’m sure it doesn’t feel particularly nice to be on the receiving end of that, but I’m sorry, I’m not sorry about that. 

I’m not trying to be rude or mean or cruel, but I have to look out for me right now. My husband and my sons deserve for me to be happy. I deserve to be happy. And right now, I just don’t have the free mind space for added negativity. 

Further, I shouldn’t feel sorry for looking out for myself. I do not owe any apologies for putting my own mental health first. 

I’m not writing this to stir the pot (though I’m sure some will see it that way). I’m writing this because there just may be someone else out there who is struggling to put themselves first, struggling to make their mental health a higher priority than avoiding stepping on any toes; and I want that person to know that it’s okay. 

It’s okay to look after yourself unapologetically. It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to not be okay and you don’t owe anyone an apology for it. 

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